Sunday, May 27, 2007

The runaway worshipper

bdsm D/s relation Mistress slave Goddess worshipper
In my previous articles i told somewhat about my training at the Academy for slaves. While i was in training, my life began to change. i learned Supreme Goddess Lorena has a monthly Lorenaism calendar that is very helpful for slaves who want to worship Her. i begged Her to send me the calendar, and i began to follow it. i wanted to do some slave work for Her, and after i begged for it a few times She was so kind to give me permission to do some webwork for Her. In that period my colleagues began to see i was changing: i was in a better shape and more attentive in general. That was what i was feeling too.
If i am honest, i must say it wasn’t just a change of ‘mood’ that could quickly change again. Deep inside i knew my personality had changed. i asked Supreme Goddess Lorena to write an article about it, and i was surprised to find it published on Her website.
But than, suddenly, i stopped with all this. i didn’t engage in a next training program, i stopped following the Lorenaism calendar, i stopped doing the webwork. There certainly wasn’t a specific reason or cause why i stopped. I just… stopped.
Certainly, i can’t say Supreme Goddess Lorena disappointed me in some way or another. Just the opposite: i was convinced She gave me more then i could have ever hoped for. In the article that is now published on Academyforslaves.com i wrote that by making me accept my submission She added a dimension to my personality. i felt grateful to Her, but at the same time… i just left the Academy.
If i look back at it, i understand what was happening. Intuitively i felt my life was changing, and if i continued i couldn’t resist the changes that where happening. On the one hand i wanted these changes. After all, i am a man with submissive feelings, and now i had found Someone who cared for my submission. On the other hand, i couldn’t handle the change in my life. i began to understand that my life really would change. You can find many BDSM-websites that cater for the fetishes of submissive men. And a big part of the so called BDSM-scene is also about these fetishes. But Supreme Goddess Lorena demands true submission, She wants Her needs served, She wants Her worshippers to adhere to true Female Supremacy. And that was simply to much to me at that moment.
So, i did what most men do if they are asked to make a true emotional commitment… i ran away… without even leaving a word for the Woman who gave me so much… And so i proofed by my behaviour one of the points Supreme Goddess Lorena is making… And i did what most men do when running away from an emotional commitment: i began to masturbate like a bonobo in the zoo, i surfed the internet wildly in search for the most exiting images of Dommes…
Now i understand that what i did was wrong. Certainly it was wrong to run away and even not explaining and apologizing with Supreme Goddess Lorena for my rude behaviour. After more then a year –and long before i re-entered the Academy- i finally wrote Her an e-mail to offer my excuses. And when i finally decided to re-enter, i apologized again. Supreme Goddess Lorena accepted my apologies, and i am grateful to Her for Her forgiveness. Offering excuses and being excused is a private matter: it is between the person who made an offence and the person who is offended.
But in this case i want to apologize again in the more public setting of this weblog. i was a male running away from a most wonderful Woman, and males do this to often. This rude behaviour alone makes us ‘lowly’ males. By making my excuses i accept i am a lowly male. By making them in public, i hope more men will take this step.
Running away was not only wrong against Supreme Goddess Lorena. It was wrong against myself too. Supreme Goddess Lorena made me understand submission is a powerful dimension of my personality and She showed me a way to give that dimension its proper place. And just because i was afraid where this way would lead me, i ran downhill in the opposite direction. Now that i decided to go uphill again, i understand what i was missing in these 18 months. i was missing personal growth as a slave and a worshipper of Supreme Goddess Lorena. Throwing away this opportunity for personal growth is doing wrong against my own person. i have to face the fact that i did this. And the best way to do this is simply admit it, and than going on, going uphill where Supreme Goddess Lorena is residing. And the only way uphill is serving and worshipping Her.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Goddess Worshipping... feeling the harmony of D/s

After the humiliation training i didn’t feel humiliated. Of course, Supreme Goddess Lorena did humiliating things to me. And i did understand She or any future Mistress has the right to humiliate me, be it as a punishment or as a mere amusement for Her. But during the training course my resistance to being humiliated decreased. Where in the Basis Obedience Course i learned i am a lowly man, during the Humiliation Course i learned to accept it and to become an object that a Superior Woman can use at Her will. And after all, for a lowly male it isn’t humiliating to be used by a Superior Lady. What really is humiliating is not being used by Her.

All sustainable relations are reciprocal in some way. This is true for a D/s relationship too. i felt that the right of a Superior Woman to humiliate me, is the part of the dynamics flowing from the Mistress to the slave. What has a slave to give in return to keep the dynamics going? Supreme Goddess Lorena is very clear about it: a lowly man must worship a Superior Lady as a Goddess. And that is the next training course She ordered me to take: the Goddess Worshipping training.

Of course, because Supreme Goddess Lorena wants to be called a Goddess, i was used to call Her Supreme Goddess Lorena. This is an elementary rule in the ‘protocol’ of any D/s relationship. At the same time i was puzzled about it. Raised in a Christian tradition it was almost a sin to call a living person a Goddess. And now, the Woman who i felt so attracted to, and who was so kind to take responsibility for my submission, was asking me to learn how to worship Her as a Goddess. Wasn’t that a bridge to far? At the same time, i really felt it was an ‘invitation’ of the Goddess to give it a try, not an ‘obligation’. So, why not give it a try?

As i feel it now, at that moment Supreme Goddess Lorena opened the doors to a new reality for me. She showed me it is possible to integrate a spiritual dimension into a D/s relationship and that it makes that relationship complete. Also in my previous articles on my training i was reluctant to go into my personal experiences to much. Not that i don’t want to share them with you. But i want to encourage you to seek your own experiences. This is certainly true for everything relating to spirituality. For everyone who is open to it, there is a spiritual path into Female Supremacy, but it will be a most personal one. What makes Supreme Goddess Lorena a true Goddess is that She can lead many males on their own personal path.

When i entered the Goddess Worhip training i thought it would be something ‘soft’ – learning some prayers, kneeling with a devoted smile before the image of the Goddess. But maybe this is the hardest training Supreme Goddess Lorena offers to aspirant slaves. For a large part of the program, the slave has to train his body functions, and i mean the most elementary of them. Supreme Goddess Lorena really asks Her slaves to push their limits. Of course through control of the body, a lowly man is no longer the slave of his body, but he opens up to relate to a reality that is deeper and more beautiful. And than, by learning some essential rituals a lowly man learns to see Supreme Goddess Lorena is at the heart of that reality. Suddenly you become aware it is a great opportunity to worship Her, and through that worshipping to connect that deeper reality. You understand you are a lowly man, but that is just your place in nature, and at the same time you understand the very special place of Supreme Goddess Lorena, and you feel happy at Her feet.

Is it ‘soft’? Maybe, because you feel the perfect harmony of the Mistress/slave-relationship. But it is ‘hard’ too, because you are aware of the consequences. You are in this world to serve a Superior Lady, and even in the basic functioning of your body it are no longer your needs but the superior needs of your Mistress that are important. And for you, if you want to be a good slave, it will be a permanent condition to control your body to be in the state of obedience and servitude your Mistress deserves.

To end this article i just want to share two thoughts with you. What is wonderful about Supreme Goddess Lorena is that She began to call Herself a Goddess without ‘understanding’ all the consequences of it. It is just because She felt so many disrespect from lowly males, that She tought: maybe if I call Myself a Goddess, they will understand what respecting a Woman means. But once She called Herself a Goddess, She began to understand She truly is a Goddess, that it isn’t just a name, but Her destiny. Entering the Spiritual World of Supreme Goddess Lorena is not entering a ‘fixed’ and ‘static’ religion, it is entering a dynamic spirituality that evolves as the life of Supreme Goddess Lorena evolves. And by giving your energy as a worshipper, you contribute to that development. This is beautiful.

And to end: if i read through forums on BDSM-websites i often read words connected to ‘worship’. Like in ‘i am a foot worshipper’, or ‘what do you like more as a slave: to worship the feet of your Mistress or the bottom of your Mistress.’ After the worshipping training at the Academy for slaves, i honestly must say i consider that kind of talk as a cheap form of fetishism, oriented to fulfil the needs of the slave, not oriented to truly worship the Superior Lady who is high above you in every aspect of Her life. I don’t say this to be rude, i just say because i discovered there is more then ‘cheap fetishism’, there is a world of ‘deep devotion’. And because i find it a beautiful world, i just want to invite you to explore that world.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Humiliation: the power to stop the 'why'-question

The next training course i took at the Academy for slaves was the ‘Humiliation training’. After the Basic Obedience course i really accepted submission as a valuable dimension of my personality. i felt the power and the superiority of Supreme Goddess Lorena and i was fully aware I was a lowly being, crawling at Her Feet. But was my mind ready to accept to be humiliated by my Mistress, or did what was left from my male pride resist to such humiliation?
The Humiliation Training is a good test to see what is left of that male pride, and certainly the best possible next step to further enslavement.

Again, i do not want to go into great detail about the assignments. If you read this blog, it is probably because you are looking for slave training yourself. Than you have to go your personal way, and to much detail of someone else’s experience can withhold you from searching your own experience.

But i want to share with you a few things I find amazing, now that i look back at the training after some time. First thing: certainly the assignments were ‘difficult’ and ‘stupid’. And at the same time: they were very easy for me. That tells a lot about my state of mind at that moment. i really craved to be humiliated, so i was eager to do everything necessary to make the assignments really humiliating for me. Whatever Supreme Goddess Lorena asked me, i did without questioning. Normally i am a critical person, always asking the ‘why’-question. Now the fact that Supreme Goddess Lorena asked it, was enough to stop all questions from my part. Someone who can make me stop asking the ‘why’-question has real power over me, so if i still needed proof of the power of Supreme Goddess Lorena over me, the humiliation training was all i needed.

Second thing: after some of the assignments i felt a certain ‘intimacy’ (maybe strange in an e-mail training, but a fact for me.) i really wanted to share with Supreme Goddess Lorena what Her humiliating assignments did to me. And by writing freely about it, i made the excercises more humiliating yet. Of course the fact that i could write so freely, tells a lot about the trust I felt for my Trainer at that moment. For people who never experienced the dynamics of a D/s-relationship this must sound incredible: how can you trust someone who is constantly humiliating you? But to me, that is just the beauty of a D/s-relationship, opposed feelings are brought together in one reality. Normally, if you are humiliated by someone, you try to avoid that person. Now, i felt that after each humiliation i was closer to Supreme Goddess Lorena and that i wanted to come closer yet, even if that meant to be humiliated further by Her.

That feeling of intimacy and humiliation at the same time didn’t leave me ever since. Now, when i want to be really close to Supreme Goddess Lorena i hope She will be so kind to humiliate me again. To humiliate someone always asks an effort and a kind of creativity, and it feels good that your Mistress wants to spend that effort and creativity to You. And by accepting the humiliation, you show your respect and trust for Her. So, it is a kind of intimacy, even if it is long distance.

Of course, we must give humiliation it’s proper place in a D/s-relationship. It can be or become a fetish for a slave to be humiliated by his Mistress. And a D/s-relationship is not about the fetishes of a slave, but about the superior needs of the Mistress. But it is just one register a Mistress can use in defining the proper place of the slave. Maybe the case of Supreme Goddess Lorena is something special. She is a very kind person, and She doesn’t need to humiliate people to show Her power. Sometimes She just thinks it is fun to humiliate some lowly males, especially when She is with some of Her Girlfriends. Or sometimes She just thinks you need a lesson, and a little bit of humiliation does the trick quite well.